The pursuit of HappYness

It would be almost precise to say that happiness is one thing we all live for. I’ve now been a philosopher/thinker (self proclaimed :P) since probably, umm, class eighth. Around that time I had the privilege of being in the company of one of the best friends I have ever had, and thanks to destiny, when children of our age were probably in front of TV sets and teenagers busy in eve teasing, we were mapping Marine Drive up and down round and round, trying to unfold the mysteries of human life.

It took me a good 4 years I guess to get to this basic point, the statement I opened this blog with. I guess it was ought to come some day, probably it came to me a little earlier than others, probably later… But the timing wasn’t important. The conclusion was!

Well, the conclusion was very nice for a few months, because being happy was easy back then. Actually, as far as I recall, I didn’t knew what unhappiness meant till 10^th. There were moments which were low, but surprisingly, nothing could shake you back then! Everything was momentary, a cricket match, a board result, a street fight, a bad day, everything! Not a father’s death though, and then I started learning what permanence is, and how much it matters.

Then permanence gained prominence! It was almost a shocker, something I really had tough time coping up with. Permanence was desired, in career, in love, in freedom, in finances, in security… the word unfolded the true, outside world, something that you see only when you go beyond parental love. And permanence demanded planning, it demanded sacrifices, it gave responsibilities. But it came with a beautiful promise, a promise of perpetual happiness and comfort. And the offer was attractive, so I fell for it!

Today, I come back to the basic question. Happiness we all desire, happiness we want perennially, but how do we get it? Seven years of everything show no correlation between happiness and permanence! Everything, yes I literally mean everything!

Career successes! Music! Movies! Booze! Philosophy! School! Fun trips! Good friends! Leisure times! Techfest! Internship! Bandstand!

So, back to square one! Seven years of experimentation showed no correlation of happiness with permanence, with security, with hard work, with relations, with creativity, nothing at all! Time to rethink? What options do we have anyways:

1. Happiness can’t be permanent?
2. Accept cycles of happiness and sadness, and be happy whenever you can be :P.
3. Happiness is no ultimate aim, neutrality (shunyata) is!!

Can someone help, other than the Buddha himself !!!!

The slowly approaching dusk :)

I recently received a very interesting forward from one of my friends. It fancied how life would be if it were to be reversed. Very interesting piece I must say. Such creativity. Whola! Being a ‘buddha’ though, I hold some contrary views and opinions :P.

The teenage, the twenties. What do you recollect?

Cravings- for attention, for love, for sex, for money, for jobs, for peace, for good company, for achievements, for ambition, for bliss…

Confusions – over morality, over career, over choices, over religion, over actions, over speech, over self…

Criticisms – of unfairness, of politics, of terrorism, of education systems, of blind faith, of restrictions…

Pretensions – of happiness, of joy, of stability, of clarity, due to peer pressure, due to hidden desires...

Yes, this period made me what I am. But it was and wasn’t fun in varying senses.

The thirties, the forties. What do you expect?

Good money, good family, good sex life, moderate achievements, strengthened faith, clearer vision, the joy of teaching, the glow of knowledge, the glow of experience, the joy of loving (selflessly), the joy of caring, the joy of contribution, the joy of living life your true self

The satisfaction, the contentment, the happiness!!

Twenties, I’m loving you! Thirties, I’m coming!!!

Walk of life

Silence is all around. Life seems devoid of all emotions. No excitement, no anticipations, no assumptions, no love, no hatred, no pain, no desperation, no ambition, no pride, no honour, no achievement.

This is how regular life is I guess. This is how it feels when you stop at times to take rest. Mind you, it’s not contemplation, not retrospection, it’s just a walk on the beach of time, where the only concern you have is to pull your feet out of sand moment that it’s trapped in, only to fall trap to another moment in time. The beach is endless! The time is infinite. And it always has been. But I’ve been running since long.

Once I was a kid, and I recall walking on this beach. It was all full of pleasure and fun. Then came adolescence, then youth, and now, I’m one of the fastest horses on this beach. Not only that, it had made me pride, it had made me tired, and now, I’m addicted to it. I run, I get tired. I stop, I try and walk, but I just can’t. I start my run again, get tired again… This beach has been teasing me, showing me targets to achieve, but they’ve all been fake. I achieved some, I failed at times. But the outcomes didn’t matter. What mattered was running, because they made me full, they made me ME. I could have been a different me, running at a different speed, at a different part of the beach, but I am where I am, and I am what I am.

But now I wonder, because once, I was indeed a kid. And back then, I literally can’t run. Metaphorically today, I can’t WALK! No matter how tired I may be, I need to run behind my targets, my goals, my passions, my fire, my desire. Why? Because walking makes me anxious, it makes me fear. Fear what? Probably of my presence, my existence, my significance! Don’t know what all. But it makes me sick, or at least, it used to make me sick.

I asked Buddha, I asked Krishna, I asked my parents, I asked my friends. They say I need to choose for myself. We are all a different case, running at a different pace, living a different life, thinking we are doing right… Well, in this world where there’s no wrong and no right, arguments would just be void.

So here I am, on the beach of sand, walking… yes, emotionally empty, spiritually empty, logically empty, I WALK! At least, for a while...

Just can't get enough

Pre script: This is one of the most blatant examples of plagiarism :P. My thanks to 'the living junkie' for the inspiration :).

First sight. Looks. Actions. Reactions. Crushes. Attempts. Attention. Jealousy. More attempts. Give up. Yet more attempts. Friendship with friends. The right moments. FRIENDSHIP. Exploration. Calculation. Analysis. Doubts. Queries. More doubts. More queries. Disscusions. Conclusions. Dissatisfaction. More discussions. More conclusions. Dissatisfaction. Belief. Mental peace. Interruptions. Parting. DISTANCES.

Changes. More changes. Many changes. Flashbacks. MEMORIES. Attraction. Urge. Attempts. More attempts. Revival. PROXIMITY. Exploration. More queries. More discussions. Belief. Loss of faith. Restlessness. Anxiety. CONFESSIONS. Rejections. Tears. Pain. Ego. Pretension. Persuasion. Persistence. HOPE. Hoping against hope. Exploration. Revaluation. Attempts. Show offs. Anxiety. Absurdity. Experimentation. 'Film'ization. Debates. Fights. Big fights. REALIZATION. Questions. More questions. Desperate questions. Taxi rides. CONFRONTATION. Explanations. Suggestions. Problems. No solutions! Unclear problems. Unknown solutions. Confusion. FAITH. FEELINGS. Pretensions. Avoidance. Ignorance. Dramatization. No ENDS. No visible SOLUTIONS!

The search goes on. The faith all strong.

Stream of conciousness 2

Funny. First time I wanted to write a story, and here’s a space constraint. Only four pages :P. (Very rarely my writings go on paper, its difficult to decipher my handwriting, even for me, he he). Yes, this observation speaks of my nature. I take too many words to convey a little. And yes, it also well explains my love and envy towards those whose silence speaks volumes. Anyways, this is me.

Funny, again! This blog can as well be titled “A train journey”. Never knew school essays would come back! No, this is going to be different. Devoid of all excitement and adventures, more real in nature, largely speaking of emotions, of the world in my mind.

O these awesome ghats! And that pretty muslim girl between me and the ghats. And the most beautiful of evening sunrays just enough to light up her face, turning her cheeks glowing red. And the way she caresses her long hair bringing them in front from her back. And the IPOD playing ‘O Meri Jaan!’. What a beautiful moment. Well, I guess she’s already turned off seeing a scribbling maggu in front of her :P. Let’s move ahead.

Oops! Interruption. A crippled beggar. I didn’t give him even a penny. Not that I can’t, but life looks too beautiful at the moment to see any pain. I’ll be humane later.

Coming back to the ghats (not to the girl :D). What an awesome panorama! Looks like God spilled excess green colour here while painting the earth. I wonder if really only 17% of India is under green cover.

Oh no! Another interruption L. ‘Rishtey’ on IPOD. No time for sad songs. Changed to ‘Baatien kuch ankahi si’. I love this one.

Yes, beauty, it appeals in various forms. But I’m not here to appreciate beauty. Infact, I was talking of emotions, right? Let’s go back. From where I started (some 5 paragraphs back), the ghats, they were not the real starting point of my thoughts. They didn’t define beauty. Yes, they’re beautiful. But not the definition. It was a face that came up first. Then came the ghats, the music, the muslim girl, I saw them all under this influence. You see, it is she who defines beauty.

Yes, she is beauty! Not that this has always been my definition of beauty, no. Something made it beautiful. Call it love, or some feeling. Mind you, a very strong feeling. There’s something I really wonder. I wonder the power of love as an emotion. Emotions have always been there, some weak, some very powerful, but none has been so mighty. Let’s have a flashback of some of those.

• Ambition – Has a very strong role in my life. But the maximum I can sustain it is probably 4 days, may be 5, before I break down. Then I call my mom (see love here!), get recharged and get back to work. No doubt, achievements make you feel good. Techfest was great fun.

• Hate – Remains for a ridiculously less time. Guess its human nature to forgive and forget. Haven’t really been good at hating people so can’t site anything. Indifference is easier for me.

• Friendship – Very strong again. And very cool too! One thing which probably gives you only all pleasure. I’ve really craved at times for Saurabh and Achin (also for Suman and Akshay), but those are only loose moments. Moments of high and low, standalone things.

• Love – Oops! Another interruption. A pleasant one this time! I just caught that girls eyes staring into mine. It was awesome :D. Coming back to love, this is the most powerful of all. In absence of ambition, love clearly rules. Sometimes, even in the presence of it. Its completely over me, day and night, winter and summer, June and July, all has been love. Sometimes I wonder how it can occupy so much of me! Is it just there filling some emptiness, or is this the divine feeling we always search for? No answers here with me, but this time is really good!

Again! This time two little girls playing music for some money. This was beautiful, I rewarded it! Running out of pages, but I’m done with what I had to say (in less than 3 actually :D).

Thanks for coming along till the end J.

Love…

(Running ‘Dilruba’ from Kailasa, bajate raho! :D)