Happy Ending...

There’s something with death that brings me to it again and again. Probably because it defines life, in a way, just like every other thing is identified with its boundaries as much as with its characteristics…

I sit here in a tea-bar sipping the Kashmiri ‘kahwa’, dejected by a rejection of an unkind lady to accompany a stranger to a coffee for some fun time, and quiet unaware of the moment of success and sweet memory to follow. And as I write this, a statement echoes in my mind – along with “hallelujah”- “When I’ve completed that, I’m done”.

I’ve thought innumerable times over how people, blinded absolutely by the way others live, just keep on imitating, or at best innovating. They have the exact same definition of being ‘alive’, but they believe strongly they are ‘individuals’ making their choices and controlling their lives. I say men innovate – they do change the way they spend, the way they earn, the way they sleep, the times they weep, the promises the break, and those they keep. But they are – at the end – innovators for an alien eye, or an eye of a philosopher.

Explaining how an inventor would be better (or even different) than an innovator is difficult – and I’m certain I carry a personal definition, so I make here no promises of delivering this to you. And as I scribble this, I’m very aware of being an innovator myself. With ‘hopes’ of a future, and ‘responsibilities’ of a kind, and with the ‘borrowed’ world view I have, I feel almost incapable of being an inventor.

And as the echo hits my mind again – I recall there is a certain someone who knows when he’ll be done with life – or at least, he claims to. Not that I’m going to drive the same point home – but the same bottom line – death AT WILL.

How many times have you wanted a trip, an examination, a meeting, a movie, a moment to end at the exact same instance – and leave you with that feeling forever! And how many times did you repent to stretch it – and showed desperation to get it back?

Yes, at times life’s good, and at times it’s bad. But at times it’s high! And don’t you live for those moments!? What if you identified the highest point of your life? Would life be worth more? Would you remain hopeful of feeling higher some day – would you still look out for futile purposes (assuming God made you for one specifically) and pleasures – would you still want to keep exploring more – would you give in to your redundant responsibilities and the cycle of life – OR would you, even for a split second, decide of surrendering yourself to nature, to end your life on this best of moments where you’d have nothing evil on your mind to take back in heaven?!

I know it’s a tough call – listen to Hallelujah, Fade Out, and more – pay a visit to Ajanta, Puri or Varkala – sip Mochachillo/ Kahwa @ CCD/InfiniTea – spend an evening with the best of your friends – contemplate – make plans to earn millions in an evening (for women: making plans of spending all of it the following evening :P) – dream of rearing a child. And you certainly realize there’s never a highest point, atleast not an identifiable one – hope carries you, pumping you and making you live for more.

But then I go back and compare proportions of times that left me with good feelings to those that left me with the bad ones. (Trouble, tension, EMPTINESS, monotony, boredom, greed, craving, fear, loneliness, compulsions, unhappiness) vs. (Bliss, fun, joy, excitement, anticipation, thrill, happiness, others…). And then I find large parts of it go plain and dry. And I wonder what hope gives me?!

When you write something like this, and you really don’t expect people to welcome it/ appreciate it/ even comprehend it, do you really blog it? Is an idea as ridiculous as – death at will; even worse, suggested at the highest point of your life – even worth consideration? I don’t know.

I’m not sure what death will bring me. But I’m sure it’ll release me of the pain of being an innovator, and being aware of it. I’d wish to live, invent and fall off the globe… And as sure as I am it probably won’t happen – one can't guarantee :D.