Today, which was as ordinary as any other day in my life, I was travelling back home after completing a few regular tasks for my mom. Barely half a kilometer away from home, a beautiful cool drizzle falling upon us from the heavens turned into a heavy downpour. It appeared as if God wanted us humans to come to a halt and enjoy the transition from evening to night. Standing there with all those strangers - men, women, children and elderly all included - and waiting for the rain to slow down or stop altogether, we were, for that short moment in life, tied together with no options but to wait, or at best, curse, worry, enjoy and appreciate as the disposition of an individual may guide him/her to do.
And I waited, and waited, and waited, and I so resisted, but when a fellow ‘waiter’ finally brought one finger-long for himself, I got tempted, thanks to all the emptiness in me, and lit a short stick of Golden Flakes for myself.
And as I smoked, I looked around. The sky looked beautiful! Not that it did not appear as beautiful ever before, but that God himself made me stand there and appreciate it. The golden yellow turned to orange, and slowly into darkness. The black clouds covering the horizon provided a splendid backdrop for the fluttering national flag, which despite being soaked and heavy, reluctantly gave way to the flowing and youthful energy of the wind. Water started collecting and draining close to the pavement. Bikes and cars sped past with people strangely eyeing us and probably thinking – “Oh I so wish to be a part of that lot!” or maybe asking - “How long do you think you want to stand here in hope of a better weather?” Frankly, none of us knew, and few cared, in those moments of bliss and leisure.
I got a high! Yes, I still do get high, and immediately, when I smoke Gold Flake. And I loved it. There were two groups pretty close by, both having kids and their mothers looking after them. I tried being as far away as possible from them to avoid inconvenience, and would appreciate how normally they reacted on my preference to take this chance of smoking one cigarette.
Just after, one of those kids, about 5 years old and standing upstream to me, made a boat out of paper and let it go in the flowing water. It made a small journey, and stopped a few paces from me, held by an obstruction. He was anxious to get it back, but his mother won’t allow the little sailor venturing into the storm to get it back. I hesitated – the stick between my fingers made it a bad time for me to join the group and have fun. But I overruled my dilemma, picked up the boat, and handed it over to the kid in return for a magical smile that spread from one of his ears to the other J. And then we repeated, for a couple more times, till the boat got soaked. Minutes later, he appeared with another fresh piece, and we did another round! It was great fun.
And then the rain slowed down! As others started leaving, I bought mint to get rid of the cigarette smell. Chewing on it, I started contemplating about the smoke and about Shantaram! And I realized that carrying a little guilt helps men – it helps them to be better than they usually are. A small guilt of holding a cigarette in front of a kid made me much more anxious to help people around me in any way I could have. Moved one scooterette out of the haphazard parking set, entertained the kid for a while receiving appreciation from his mother and paid a rupee extra to the cigarette vendor who was well above 65 and has probably spent most of his life selling that stuff at that very same place every single day!
It is the guilt of committing a sin, however big or small, that brings you back to the goodness and the humbleness in you – things that you leave past you in all selfishness in your day to day life. Is that probably why every person with a first hand mafia experience talks so highly about the honour and nobility of gangsters? Is that probably why those filthy rich entrepreneurs wish to die after making all possible contributions to humanity? Is goodness all about guilt and shame! I feel sorry for my self that I now need that guilt to bring out those moments, but I wonder if people looked around themselves to find such “not so real” sinners being so good to you otherwise. And did they ever took time out to once appreciate such a lot overlooking their original sinner self, or rather, accepting it as a reality!
Well, that took my thoughts to Gita, which deserves another write-up. Will leave the readers with this – if there are any :D.
2 comments:
I din exactly get wat u said
wat was 'fun' wid the kid for u?
was that 'fun' brought about by carrying the guilt (or a part of it)?
If the guilt was about 'smoking when u weren't supposed to', how did it exactly motivate you to help others around you?
u can write to me personally about it
never thought like this...
but yes, post d read, this makes sense...as much sense as amusement though...
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